I feel like he is my world, and he is my world. If he would allow it, I would give him every second of my time. I would live for the mornings when we wake up together with a single strand of light seeping into the room lighting up his face. I would just lay there and prop myself up on one side and watch how beautiful he looks as his eyes flutter, his mind off in a dream, his hair messy from the night before we shared, shirtless I would look at his collarbone and the way he had one arm stretched towards where I just layed.
As he started to stir I would lay back down and face the other way to see how if he would react by watching me like I watched him, or hopefully waking me up with kisses up along my neck, but he just got up leaving me there in the white sheeted bed, alone. Feeling like his toy he only plays with when he pleases.
I hear him turn the T.V on in the next room. I would search for the sexiest black lacy underwear I own before putting on my see through white silk gown before walking down the cold, white tiled hallway, tracing my long black chipped fingernails along the white walls before I reach the open planned kitchen and dining area, where two plates lay upon the big glass table, one completely empty, the other almost untouched. He laughs at something on TV as he flicks the channels trying to find the news programme he watches every morning.
I walk behind him and stay there for a minute before I realize the only thing he is willing to focus on is the T.V, I decide to trace my fingers down his chest to the band of his underwear before whispering in his ear “goodmorning.” He looks at me and smiles before kissing me softly. “morning.” Before he turns back to the t.v I walk around the couch and sit as far away as possible, waiting for him to come to me like he used to but he just looks over and forces a smile before turning back to the television.
I act like im okay, but after last night I wish he would want to be with me like i want to be with him.
I walk up and walk to the bathroom. I open the glass door and turn the hot water on, before taking the silk gown off before getting my towel placing it on the hot towel rack. I test the water with my hands and adjust the cold water to my satisfaction before removing my underwear and stepping inside shutting the glass door behind me.
The water is comforting against my skin, it feels like I can feel every drop. My mind wanders to the start of everything, he never brought me flowers just because he could, never sent the first text, he told me love was immature at our age and that he couldn’t possibly like me any more, that he liked me so much that it hurts, but he doesn’t love me, I remembered when we went weeks apart and he would never say he missed me, he would take hours to reply to my texts. He never once brought me presents, except for that one cheap bracelet for valentines day three days after he asked me to be his.
I can feel the tears roll down my face mixed with the hot steamy water. I turn my back to the water and start to really cry. Its then I realized I needed to fix things, it is my fault our relationship turned into me being the only one putting in effort.
I stopped myself from crying. I toweled myself dry before returning to the bedroom, and got dressed into and oversized black jumper with small sunflowers on them, I can now wear it as a dress due to my recent weight loss, and stockings who have some small holes in them. I put on my doc martins and leave my hair curly and slightly knotty.
I apply my make up in my full length mirror, powder and mascara. I walk into the kitchen, and grab my oversized black handbag that I hinted to him for months I wanted, until I finally gave up and purchased it myself. “I will go and get us breakfast from our coffee shop, do you want to come for a drive.”
“No. You go, I’m so tired from last night.” He says cheekily before pulling me into his waist. “Lets do it against after breakfast darling.” He says before kissing me again passionately. I get off him not replying hoping he gets the hint. Walking to the door, where my pug Oscar is waiting for me.
I lean down and pick him up before shutting the door behind me. It is raining.